Sorry it has been a while since I last blogged but lets just hope it was worth the wait!
After talking with some friends about sex (obviously something I talk about a bit too often) and things that can go wrong, we started to have a real laugh at the stories that were coming up. You know, when cum goes in your eye and you think you are blinded or someone walks in on you etc.
I will start with myself.. Let me just add that this is a story that not many people know as I have always been completely embarassed by this and the thought of it still takes me back to the shock.. anyway..
A few years back I was seeing this guy and it was all going great. One day I was at his and he was going down on me. From the minute he started, I knew I was going to have to fake it and actually think of something to get me wet (I think at the time it was Channing Tatum dancing naked) as his tongue was not doing it for me. The boy had no clue what he was doing. Ten minutes in and me getting bored by his obscure ways of licking a vagina, he could tell I was getting restless, so he started going for it. Next thing I remember was screaming and kicking him in the face. He fell off the bed, I was in agony. I put my hand down to my vagina which was throbbing and not in a nice 'Jacob from Twilight is naked' kind of way. He had bitten my vajayjay. I was bleeding. Boy bit me!! I got dressed, left and refused to ever speak to him again. He obviously was very apologetic. I told him to do one.
Awful I know. Another embarassing time for me was in Spain a few years back. I had gone out with my cousin and a bunch of her friends and we got really drunk and ended up in a kareoke bar where I was actually being stalked by a midget. (I have pictures to prove this!) Anyway, I ended up getting with one of my cousins friends and ended up back at his. Or his Grandma's! After a bit of fun and frolicks I decided it was time for me to go. However, he did not want me to turn on the light as we might wake
up his grandma (don't worry, she was not in the same room) so I could not find my top. So in the end, he gave me one of his shirts. Spot the skank whore. Walking through the port at about 4am when the last few drunks were still out, wearing my denim skirt and this oversized shirt that you could see my bra through. He walked me back to my cousins appartment and as I walked in, my cousin just looked
at me and laughed.
Ok, enough about me.
Meet my friend *Joe. Joe had been with his girlfriend for some time and decided the bed was boring and wanted to try having sex elsewhere. So Joe lifted his girlfriend up onto a set of drawers he had in his room and they started having sex.
A few minutes in, there was a weird noise but neither gave it too much attention as things were getting steamy.Now, they wish they would have paid attention. The drawers gave in and Joe's girlfriend fell, penis still inside her. The drawers could not take her weight and they broke. As did his cock. 999 - AMBULANCE! Joe was rushed to hospital with a snapped penis. He had to have his foreskin cut off and have the muscles in his penis stitched back together. It took three months to heal and he could not have sex or even masturbate for all that time.
My friend *Brad is a massive flirt and funny guy. A few years ago he went travelling with two of his boy friends. When in Figi, Brad met a cute petite girl at a party who he knew he wanted to have his way with. As the party was coming to a close, Brad hinted to the girl that they should go down to the beach. She was more than happy to join him. Straight away they started to get it on. She kept hearing noises and telling Brad but he told her to ignore them. Brad knew full well what the noises were. BUGS. He was so drunk and wanted a shag he didn't care. They had sex and as he pulled his cock out, he saw a bug crawl into her vagina. Brad screamed and ran off. He does not know what happened to the girl.
Meet *Sandy. A girl who cracks me up with every story she tells. She met a guy called *Jonny through some friends and took quite a liking to him. They started meeting up and after some time were seeing eachother quite often. They would go out and kiss and hold hands, all very cute. One night Sandy decided to cook for Jonny and make things romantic. They had a great dinner, drank some wine and moved on to the bedroom. They started kissing and clothes started flying accross the room and onto the bed they went. Sandy was very excited to finally have sex with Jonny. She really liked him and knew it was going to be great. How wrong she was. Jonny started to make very weird noises and started screaming whilst having an orgasm. Sandy lay there shocked. Jonny was shaking and making noises like a little girl. He then came. He then collapsed onto Sandy and then sat up again. She looked at him and burst out laughing. Her exact words to him were, "Are you serious???!!" Put it this way, she ended things with him the next day! HAHA!
Let me introduce you to *Tony. Tony is a guy I have known for a few years, and let me tell you, is gorgeous. All the girls want a piece! One night, a week after Tony had an operation on his arm he went to the pub with some friends.
A few days later, a girl he knows phones him up and raid a girl she was with at the pub the other day fancied him and would probably sleep with him. Tony was not really phased but let the girl give her friend his number. An hour or so later, Tony gets a call from a random number and it happens to be the girl from the pub, *Tanya. They chat for a bit and Tanya asks Tony if he was free to get a drink later that night. So later that night, Tony went to pick up Tanya and they went for a drink. She had already been drinking and was already pretty wasted. OVer a drink, she starts
getting cheeky and asks Tony what the naughtiest thing he ever did was. Tony comes back with usual men answers, "had a threesome" or "slept with my French teacher in school." Tanya then asks him if he is going to fuck her and they soon get in his car. Tanya then tells him she does not want to go back to her flat but rather go to her parents house. Tony knew this was a bit odd but he went along with it. As they arrive to the house, she tells him to wait so she can turn of the CCTV cameras. This was the first moment Tony should have driven away. In they go and she tells him to wait on the bed whilst she changes. She comes back in sexy lingerie and tells him to lie on the bed so she can massage him. Out comes the lotion and she starts massaging him, down his legs, up his back, around his balls then WHAM BAM THANK YOU MAAM up goes her finger in his ass! He was in shock, pushed her off with his one good arm and turned around to have sex. The whole time, she had told Tony to keep his voice down as her parents were next door and next thing you know it, he is shagging her brains out and she is screaming and all of a sudden, a voice from next door goes "shh!" They both cum and Tony gets dressed. Tanya then starts saying she wants to go again but Tony says he needs to leave. She blocks the door and tells him he cannot leave as her husband is asleep next door, not her parents. He said he needs to leave to take pills for his arm and Tanya starts laughing saying she should have taken her pills. Tony asked what pills she takes. Her reply, "the doctor gives me pills as my sex drive is too high. I can finger myself up to 6 times a day. I love sex. Fuck me again?"
Tony pushes her out the way and dashes to his car. He phones his cousin to tell her of his mad night to which his cousin laughes hysterically. He knew of this Tanya and informed Tony how she had been in a mental home a few years back and is a sex addict.
I hope these stories have kept you all entertained and if you have any stories of your own you would like to share please comment here or tweet me @LittleMissVak or email email@example.com and keep updated on my facebook page http://www.facebook.com/LMissV
Little Miss V..xx